So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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