I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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