Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
