She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
