chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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