if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
