I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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