Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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