some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
