So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I don't deserve a penis
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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