well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
