Heybabeimwearingurpanties
My cat gives me a boner
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Randomize
