i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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