forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize