I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
