OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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