I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
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