I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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