My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
