hotel room ftw
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
soo... how was my night?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize