There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
