i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
