he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
