What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
