So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
