My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
