i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
