she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
