now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
