The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
