I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
