Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
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