Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My cat gives me a boner
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize