I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
