i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
