Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
We had sex on a dog bed..
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
