Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
