hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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