I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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