Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
