is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
is wine microwaveable?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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