my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
