Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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