But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I intend to get homeless drunk
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
