I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
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