Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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