Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
