Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
My Sexting was not on an AP level
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
