my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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