She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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