im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize