its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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