He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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