Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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