Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
